What if I don’t think I deserve Kindness
Yesterday I almost made it out without saying anything mean to myself, but today I add kindness on top of my new challenge of loving myself. This chapter says that kindness is not reactive, but proactive. Further it says we can use Initiative, gentleness, helpfulness, and willingness as the core ingredients.
The way I see it is if I want to be more kind to myself then I must take proactive steps instead of waiting on others to be kind to me; I must treat myself with softness; I must anticipate my needs before they make themselves evident; and finally, I must do all the above with a willing heart. The last part of that sentence is honestly the hardest.
Being kind to myself is mostly difficult because I see my needs as distractions from my responsibilities. Therefore, any kindness is removed from this enemy within. This will be a challenge for me to practice proactive love for myself though kindness.
This is harder than it sounds
The challenge for this chapter sounds pretty easy when doing it for someone else. “Do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.” The other times I’ve completed this challenge, I love this day. It gives me a reason to do something nice for Jess. This time, however, was not so easy.
The trick for me is not in the act of kindness, but in breaking the rule set by the first chapter, “say nothing negative.” So in my efforts, I not only had to do something kind for myself, but not give myself grief or guilt afterwards. The book recommends using these four to help decide.
- Initiative: Do something before being told.
- Gentleness: Do everything with a gentle touch/gesture. Nothing over-the-top.
- Helpfulness: Pay attention to needs and start there.
- Willingness: Do it with a willing heart. (this was tough)
In short, I did it! It doesn’t matter what I did, but I successfully completed this task. The hardest part wasn’t the initiative, gentleness, or helpfulness, but willingness. So much wanted me to just brush off this challenge and fake it to the next day. As I start to think about what to do for myself, a little voice kept creeping in tempting me not to do it. But, I overcame that voice and forged ahead.
What did I learn
I know this is only day 2 in the 40 day challenge, but I am quickly learning that in order to love myself better, I must take control over the voices in my head. A simple act of showing kindness to myself felt like climbing a mountain. I am glad they put this challenge at the front of the book. I feel like I am armed for future challenges.
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