My first challenge to overcoming my PTSD is to love myself.
In a post I wrote over a year ago I broke silence about My 19-year-old demon. Little did I know that it created a world of PTSD. That incident continues to shape how I deal with my everyday life. I didn’t learn until several months ago, that many of my anger issues manifest because of the trauma I went through so many years ago and I am now living with PTSD.
Therapy with RLC continues to reshape my present to deal better with my past. One discover centers around how I see myself and the negative lens I peer through as I beat myself down over the simplest missteps. To improve my self-talk, I will complete The Love Dare, but this time I will perform the challenge on myself. Each day I will read the material and blog about it. The next day I will complete the post in order to summarize my challenges, failures, and successes.
The first challenge to overcome the affects of my PTSD is to have more patience. In the past, this challenge did not pose a threat to my normalcy, but turning it inward is incredibly challenging!
PTSD is totally my fault…right?
I do not stand corrected. Having patience for myself may be the hardest thing I have attempted. I live in a world where I want to control everything that happens to and around me. I also have an overwhelming sense of responsibility for my world. Couple that with my PTSD and the go-to reaction of anger, my world is in a constant state of distress.
Some of you may be rolling your eye that one can’t possibly control every outcome in their path, but this is not a reality I easily adopt. Since I struggle with control and have a strong arm of responsibility, when things go awry I take all the blame. And trust me, you don’t want me coming down on you!
That is why this section is so hard for me. I want to take responsibility for failures that are not mine. Therefore, I am constantly mean to myself. To help with this, I asked Jess if she would be my accountability partner in my negative self-talk.
A breath of fresh air
Once! That is how many times I slipped in my negative self talk the past 24 hours. Jess was quick to let me know and she wasn’t even in the room!
But honestly, even though it was exhausting checking every thought that is against myself, I felt lighter at the end of the day. I recently read in The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kilk, M.D. that many people who suffer from PTSD react in triggered situations because they don’t have a safe place to be. It is possible that they are in a bad relationship or situation, but in my case, my own head is not a safe space.
Yesterday, I forced myself to create that safe space in my head. I didn’t let the negative outcomes of situations bother me. Even the kids bickering and overall loudness didn’t send me into a tailspin. Was I perfect? Absolutely not. But I definitely made a step in the right direction and I am no longer my own worst enemy.
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